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I wonder if the holidays are as… well… peculiar for you as they are for me. I’m sure many of us share the same angst.

I don’t watch TV so, I can’t imagine the culture shock for those of you who do.

For TV watchers, and shoppers, it seems like Christmas should be a time of fun family get-togethers, lots of food, presents that you wanted, laughter, hugs, tears of love. What happens in your head when it isn’t?!

I have a few memories of Christmas, most notably the one when our mother was at her boyfriend’s house the morning of Christmas when we were about 10 years old. It wasn’t just that she was gone, but that we had no idea if or when she’d be back.

I remember a lot of anger after the Christmas break when I was in High School, when students would ask, “what did you get?” “Well I didn’t ‘get’ fucking anything! So don’t ask!” is what I wanted to say. Which I probably kind of did. Which is why I never had friends.

And how I could have made it through 52 Christmases and only remember, like four of them (including this one), I don’t know!

That’s why when I have a Christmas like this year, I wonder why I am weirded-ed out. Christmas has never been food and football, family and fun. It’s always been a day that should have been another way, but isn’t.

It’s not that this year is bad. I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been on any day of my life. It’s just that every year I keep expecting it to be “normal,” but it isn’t.

Do you feel the same way? I just have this feeling that there are many others like me.

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