CAUTION!: This is NOT my normal Blog about Fitness or Obstacle Racing. It is about dealing with depression. I am acting on intuition that it is something that someone needs to hear. So here it is…
Depression is a common problem among us. So I’m just going to talk about it.
I don’t think there is one type of depression. I think all of us experience this dilemma quite differently.
There are varying levels of ups and downs, and there are varying levels of what to do about it. I read some people have regular temptations to end their life, and some people just wish it were over. Some people take medication. Some people smoke weed. Some people hide. Some people flaunt.
For me, it’s just too hard to maintain the façade. When the reality is that I am stupid, incapable, and invisible, then intelligent, accomplished and worthy is a delusion (and, what’s more, everyone knows it!) I don’t experience a “high” and a “low” like some people describe. I experience energy to succeed, and defeat.
When I know I will never succeed, when I know I will never truly impact people, when I know any effort I put forth will be moot –and more importantly, when I know that I’m the only one fooling myself — then there is no reason to take up space. I’m just an embarrassment.
They say suicide is a selfish act, but I think many of us understand one another that there can’t be anything more selfless.
I am not saying I want to die, or kill myself. Because I don’t! I definitely want to live! But I will tell you, this is a distinct difference between a few years ago and today.
I am not sure that I will ever “heal” from depression. But I know that I can make choices that affect how I deal with it. But it’s not easy!
I don’t use medication (legal or otherwise). I use exercise, eating right, regular exposure to self-help books, and frank discussions with God. Praise the Lord, I have found a way out! But it’s diligent work.
What I’m trying to say is, if you don’t battle with depression, understand some people have to work much harder than you do at managing their world.
The default for some of us is not what it appears. And not what you experience.
Why do I want to say this? I don’t know. Maybe someone needs to know they’re not alone.