Sometimes I feel like I’m this close to cracking.
Sometimes the life I live is so far from the one I would have chosen– had I known I could choose 25 years ago — that I feel like picking up smoking and drinking and eating doughnuts for breakfast.
Sometimes I feel like, although I try so hard to make the right choices, they are always wrong, so I might as well make the ones everyone knows are wrong. What the hell?!
Sometimes I feel so alone…
You know those games where you can lose everything, your house, your money, your investments, but with a little luck and perseverance you can recover and even take over all of the property on the board? I want that. I want a do-over. I want to be me but a lot younger so I can not just have hope and ambition and optimism and possibility, but the years to make it happen. I want to know I have a chance to make a difference– to share my talents and skills and knowledge, to influence–not be a “senior” who wants to make a difference or an “aging athlete” who wants to succeed, or a cute “retired person” trying to help the community… bla bla bla …. I HATE THAT!
I want what I am to be worth something. But, well… “sometimes you have to give it away in order for people to notice you.” It’s just SO HARD sometimes. Wow! It’s hard!
I know I’m not alone. They tell us to do a Thankfulness Journal: Yes, I’m thankful for indoor plumbing. Our house. My health. The horse I once had. The ability to type this. Words. The white lines, double yellow lines, and street lights that we all obey here in America. Heat! A husband who shows compassion. Not in that order.
The people who say money doesn’t buy happiness are, literally, only those people who have the choice. Like the song says, it doesn’t buy happiness, but it’ll buy me a boat.
When I crack, I buy everything I ever wanted: Organic make up. Pants that fit. A tattoo up my leg and across my ribs. I eat eclairs. I drink black Russians. I fly to England to meet my aunt and cousins and sister, and to Greece to be in the sun.
I know, I’m totally not alone.